some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
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The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”