I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
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“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart