My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
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The real reason evolution started..😂
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Something Saturday.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct