I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
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The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
so this horse walks into a bar
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.