Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
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Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
his wife is probably gonna see that
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
OKAY DAD
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?