My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
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HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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