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If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
me linking you to my twitter
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.