Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
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Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I’m confused about plants
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave