You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
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My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.