If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
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oh no, steve’s working tonight
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes