[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
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JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
brian had himself a morning…
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all