I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
You Might Also Like
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
You know…for fall…
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I really had high hopes for this year though
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
cyclists
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened