Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
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“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.