I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
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They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
This is my favorite one of these!
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty