Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
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We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
“you changed” bro i was 15
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.