This is my brand.
You Might Also Like
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh