Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: