Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
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Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
A friend sent me this.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.