I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
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*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?