“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
How animals would run if they were human
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz