I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
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1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you