Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
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No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
remember
only for emergencies
Meeeee too!
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.