I hope google does well on my son’s test
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Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?