I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.