Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
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Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”