*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
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DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Heroic Misunderstanding
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.