[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
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[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”