mathematically impossible
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My ideal weight is five million dollars
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.