I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
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GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch