[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
You Might Also Like
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”