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*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.