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WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I only treason on days ending in y
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.