I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
You Might Also Like
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.