My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it