[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
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Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
No laws when master is gone
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time