Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
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My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I feel this so hard
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”