I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
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Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
selfie game
house sitting!
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Cashiers are always checking me out