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Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”