Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
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To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard