*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
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My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
that lip filler tho
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.