I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.