My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
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Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.