You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
me linking you to my twitter
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.