he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
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therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
The fall of Netflix
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂