I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
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Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Sharon I have some bad news
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.