The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
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I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet