It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
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If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.