The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
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Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Wise advice
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes