My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
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[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri