Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
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[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?